Let me start by saying that I am not a seafood lover. I would rather look at sea life then eat it. Unless of course it’s wrapped in bacon, then all bets are off.
With that said, one night in a bar that had a live lobster tank, I saw a very drunk and outgoing patron reach into the tank and proceeded to free every lobster from the tank onto the bar. He screamed, “Be free! Be free!” as he placed the lobster all over the bar top. The rest of the bar could do nothing but look on astonished. Myself included.
He then started to explain how lobster claws worked and took the largest of group and placed his pinky finger between the pincer claws. Hilarity ensued. He screamed in pain. We laughed at his pain. This back and forth between the performer and the audience went on for about ten minutes. Annoying the hell out of the bartender, who just wanted to clean up the now tainted bar top.
However funny that part of the story is, it was not the most shocking. One of the drunks’ friend took one of the lobster that was flopping around and stood it on his head. He then rubbed the lobster head until it was a small lobster lantern frozen on the bar. I was astonished. Who the hell is this Lobster whisperer? Was he raised as a child by kind-hearted lobster that found him abandoned on the beach? Or is he a NY Lobster Dundee? Whomever he was, didn’t matter. It was some cool shit what he was doing and I wanted to learn.
Hence, why Learning to Put a Lobster to Sleep was added to my list. Google searches came up with articles explaining that putting a lobster to sleep or hypnotizing one, was the humane way to prepare a lobster for their dip in the hot tub. I really don’t think I could ever cook a lobster. I can imagine hearing the little screams of the poor guy as he boils in the pot. Lobster shouldn’t be eaten they have personality.
But, if you are one of the millions of people on this planet that look at a lobster as dinner rather than a pet, please put them to sleep before boiling them. You will feel better about yourself if you do.
Here are the pictures of me playing and then putting “Lenny the Lobster” to sleep in a lobster pound in Maine.
If you too have a heart, here is how to put a lobster to sleep.
Step 1: Pick up your lobster and place it on its head. Some lobsters are bad ass and will take a little convincing before it will stand on its head. For these lobsters I suggest getting to know them a little better. Buy your lobster and drink, ask your lobster it’s likes and dislikes, act interested. If all else fails, slip him a roofie.
Step 2: Rub, ever so gently, the lobsters’ head. Start out slow, cup the lobsters’ tail. Most importantly look your lobster in the eyes, with your best bedroom eyes. Listen to your lobsters body language, he will tell you when to rub faster or harder.
Step 3: Once your lobster is rendered unconscious, cuddle with him, scratch his back, smoke a cigarette. Then when your done, place the lobster into the boiling hot water and bam! You are done!
Step 4: Clean yourself up. Take a shower you dirty girl. And don’t worry your lobster knows it was just a one night stand, the lobster will not be calling you the next day. Why would he want to date someone who will rub him all over on the first date anyway?